I first set foot in the Evil Olive in the summer of 2010, the year I graduated from college. The “real world” was beckoning and a slew of new experiences lay ahead. Undoubtedly, one such experience was the Olive. Enthralled with the eclectic characters and debauchery-laden nights/mornings that materialized every time I graced the small late night venue, I began to frequent said establishment habitually and slowly noticed a pattern of personalities. Here are the 10 people you meet at the Evil Olive.
1. Tentative Bachelorettes– I really feel for these unsuspecting herds. Filled with nervous excitement and RumChata, Megan’s bachelorette party decides to forgo the pre-arranged deal at McGee’s for a walk on the wild side, i.e. a stop at “that porn and fried chicken place.” Be wary when crazy-Karen throws up her hands and lets out her trademark, “Fuck yeah, DJ!” The aforementioned cry, which once served as an innocent ice breaker, now doubles as the shriek of a wounded animal. Summoned by this once innocent exuberance, a host of gyrating male pelvises is sure to isolate the unsuspecting former Tri Delts.
2. Mad-Max Biker Crew– I mean, they hosted a special edition of Porn and Chicken entitled, Mad Max: Beyond the Bangerdome 2.0. That means there was a Mad Max: Beyond the Bangerdome 1.0. Don’t fix it if it ain’t broken, I suppose.
3. Ravers– Drugs, fortunately or unfortunately depending on your disposition, are unavoidable. If you find yourself here after a sold out Deadmau5 show at the Aragon, be prepared. The Olive has always served as an “afters” option, following mammoth electronic shows. The place caters to a culture and generation that doesn’t much care for the status quo, aka drug lovers. That isn’t to say there is no room for those that like to keep a level head. Just smile politely at the wide-eyed, spirit-hooded young woman with a Hello Kitty pacifier and lights emanating from each gloved finger. She’s actually quite nice and just got off her shift as an RN at Children’s Memorial.
4. Horny People– From the frat-bro, turned financial advisor, looking to tackle the pixie-totting barista with a sleeve tattoo, to the divorcée longing to seduce the DJ who was kind enough to play her oldies request, there are a lot of people grinding and looking to fuck.
5. Wildcard– The man with unknown intentions. He stares at you from afar, refusing to break eye contact despite your multiple head-nods acknowledging his presence. Better off ignoring him and continuing to drink heavily to drown any images of what he might be plotting. Just don’t let me take you home, ya know?
6. Your Good Friend’s 19-Year-Old Sister– What you have to endure in uncomfortable pleasantries is more than acceptable once you say goodbye and immediately text said friend. “Miiiiiike. We decided to stop by the Olive and I just ran into your sister. Or should I say she ran into me. She was wearing nothing but underwear and was playing tag with some sweaty guy in a Bane mask. Hope all is well in Boston, bud.”
7. Cholos– Cholos just want to have fun.
8. Downers– While the downer is a staple of every institution, the Evil Olive breeds a particular strain of the fun-averse. This individual bit his/her tongue when the group decided that the line outside wasn’t that long. From that moment on, every unique experience became an opportunity for negative Nancy to say- I told you so. “What is this, dubstep?” “Someone for sure farted on the dance floor.” “Ugh, no I don’t want to check out the boom boom room?” “I think I got stabbed.” Yap yap yap.
9. Olds (Old People)– There is always a man in his late forties looking lost. It’s as if he caught his daughter, perhaps the aforementioned underage friend’s sister, wandering in past curfew and demanded to be taken to the spot that was “so fun you just had to miss curfew by 4 hours.”
10. Music Aficionados– While rampant disparaging observations are amusing, it should be noted that the Evil Olive draws a learned group of music enthusiasts on select, dare I say most, nights. From hometown heroes like Zebo and Team Bayside High to eclectic, nationally recognized artists such as Moon Boots and Felix da Housecat, the Olive has a talent for showcasing both up-and-coming talents and those already firmly established.
Whether or not you have a good time at the Evil Olive is uncertain and open to a host of variables. Whether or not you will be entertained isn’t even a question.